Question: I'm being harassed by another user! Will LJ Abuse come to my rescue?
Answer: Well, that depends on several important factors:
If the harassing user is part of the ljdrama crowd: your abuse requst will be answered within 24 hours. The user in question will be immediately suspended and an investigation (lasting anywhere from seven to three thousand days) will begin; during this period of time, the harassing user will create several fake journals and harass you incessantly until you feel the urge to hack at your wrists with a butterknife.
If the user is posting pictures of people from nonuglies in the nouglies community: your abuse request will be ignored for at least three to seven days depending on whether or not the person in the picture is a closeted homosexual.
If the harassing user posted something about you in ljconfessional2: your abuse request will be honored within three minutes and the harassing user will be monitored 24/7. Furthermore, you will still be allowed to make posts regarding the harassing user and the harassing user will not be able to do anything about it; when the harassing user finally posts something mentioning you and/or your journal, the harassing user will be immediately terminated and all friends of the harassing user will be monitored for a period of at least (but not limited to) three thousand days.
If the harassing user violates something in the LiveJournal TOS that isn't specifically mentioned but there is some sort of vague reference to the offense: your abuse request will be honored as soon as someone from LJ Abuse constructs an email that twists the TOS around to make it sound like the offending user has done the most heinous act imaginable; this process could take anywhere from three to six minutes.
If the harassing user made a fake journal for the purposes of harassing other users without being detected; and, if the harassing user posted a fake suicide attempt in their fake journal: your abuse request will be honored within three days. One of the LJ Abuse staff members will track down the harassing user's IP address and contact the proper admins (your boss, your school administrators, your mother, etc.) and rectify the situation by attempting to spill LiveJournal-realted drama into the harassing user's real life.
Last one: they will also almost call the police to stop the fake person from killing herself until there are five hours left (that's when the find out you are fake). They will also ostracize the fake person for putting a suicide count-down image/HTML based counter in her journal.